Mind numbing
at 2:33 a.m. on 2005-01-28
I feel like I sit here with a drunken mind even though no alcohol has passed my lips. I cannot seem to gather my thoughts into a streamlined fashion. I have so many images, ideas and thoughts to process. I should have been studying more for internship so that I can finish what I have worked so hard to accomplish, but I have no the passion nor the energy at the moment. Just kind of wondering and staring bankly at what I should be able to comprehend. I feel drained. Been the norm as of late. Too much has been happening. Too much to absorb.
My friend is leaving in a few months and has just as much to gather and make reality as I. She is a strong women if I ever have beheld one. Done so much with only herself to carry her. I respect her for it. We went out for night of dancing and enjoyment that we all deserve now and then. Was going to be just a girl's night out and it was for a good amount of time. She had too much too drink. About as much to drink as she had on her mind. A burden she carried a long time without sharing with most, even me. Liquior is funny how it loosens lips and eases any restraint that we have. She poured secrets into me that night that brought me to tears. Tears of sorrow for what she went through and tears of anger at the ones responsible for her grief and at myself for be so oblivious to it. I still don't how I did not pick up on it before. Was I so blind? Some that know me would say yes that I'm just oblivious. I have my flighty nature but I am no fool.
There have been things going on in my family that I have had to help work out. Not easy. I'm eithered regaurded as having the answers or as being completely unimportant. I don't care for either. I wish my brother would talk to me like normal human being. Instead he cannot have a serious conversation with anyone from what I can see. Everything resorts to curses and vulgar statements to simply piss everyone off to the point we give up. He does it on purpose. My brother can be a lazy moron, but he's not stupid. I know him better than he thinks I do or than he would like. He's afraid. That's the major point. He's afraid of my father. He's afraid of doing something alone. He's afraid of being alone. Most of all he's afraid of going out into the world and being an adult where things are not easy and where you have earn your keep. He doesn't want to leave the comforts of his home with someone to look after him and cater to him like a child. He wants to stay in the delusion that it will stay that way forever. He's a good looking young man, but wastes himself at home all day on the computer or watching TV. The only time he goes out is to go get drunk and party with his friends. He is also very charming and polite when he wants to be. I wish he would indulge in that more than his mean tempered mouthy side. He is so much like our father. More irresponsible by far though. No wonder they fight so frequent and so intensly. They are mirror images. What else do you expect when you get two stubborn, bull headed, hot tempered men around each other. Neither one knows how to admit to being wrong. It's enough to make me bang my head against the wall a few times.
I have everyone pressuring me to finish this internship. My job, my family, my friends my significant other. They push so much sometimes that it makes me question if I really want this. It looses it flavor when you feel you have to something more than you want to. They all want it so badly because they can all benifit from it. I think they can sometimes forget that this is my dream, my career, my struggle. I wish I could talk to someone about all the stress and worry I go through over this, without advice or jugdement. I would like a person who understand what it is I'm dealing with. People however cannot go without at least putting their two scents in. All of it I have already thought about. I wonder if they think me so simple not to have such ideas cross my mind already. Sometimes I wonder how people really view me. Trust me I've analyzed and gone over everything that I can muster up. I know they mean well, but what I need is someone to just listen. Someone to say that they know its tough and that they'll be there if I need anything. That's all. I more abliged to come to you if you don't immediately try to force your views on me like you know everything and I know nothing. I strongly dislike when people try to tell me that they know my job and what I need to do more than I do. Especially when they have no knowledge of that profession. That has happened a few times and irked me something awful. Thanks for trying but your failing miserably. Go put your dunce cap on and sit in the corner. Thank you. Don't tell me what it is like to work in the back of the ambulance till you've done it. Buh-bye. Oh my, I kind of went off on the rant for a moment.
I'm ending it here. I've stayed up way too late again. Good night.
.:.me.:.
I'm 24 and I oerk for a private ambulance company as an EMT in the city of Vegas
.:.loves.:.
music, storms, reading, paintball, my friends, drawing, concerts, the color purple, and the occasional night out at the club
.:.hates.:.
gossipers, spiders,liars, egomaniacs, and drama
.:.past five.:.
Freak factor level high - 2006-02-11
The past year in a nut shell - 2006-01-11
Inked - 2006-01-03
Too random for a title - 2005-10-31
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